How to deal with expectations better in 4 steps

Expectations can turn your life into a real nightmare. Often enormous pressure forces us to act against all of our principles.

Even before you realize what is happening to you, you are standing on an abyss; you do not know what to do. Suddenly your alarm bells ring, and you start to ask yourself questions:

How could it have gotten this far? Why did you live your life according to other people’s plans? How is it going to go on?

Do not be overwhelmed by your expectations, because they are nothing more than stories. They are often based on illusions that you can never fulfill.

Perhaps you are blinded by the idea of always having to give 100%. You are trying to overcome hurdles that may just be one size too big for you.

Few of us have the courage and confidence to free themselves and say no at the crucial moment.

Don’t let your expectations push you around anymore. This topic should show you how you are influenced by expectations and what you can do about it.

Where does the pressure in your life come from?

If you’re not careful, your life can quickly become a pressure cooker. If you accumulate expectations around you, you start to cook like a potato due to the pressure.

The following scenarios are typical:

You burn yourself out in a prestigious job instead of following your goals. You go into debt only to impress others with unnecessary junk. You try to make everything perfect, and you are depressed.

Expectations can manipulate us. You risk acting against all of your beliefs. The more you follow the ideas of others, the more pressure you have to bear and often also unconsciously. We usually only recognize the problem when it merely is no longer bearable, and the lid peels off the pot.

I also had to learn when it was time to release the pressure and how much I could expect. The moment comes when it is time to say no, and you have to put your interests above others.

It is a balancing act. On the one hand, you want to keep your freedom and independence, but on the other hand, you have to be careful not to become selfish.

The most crucial step is to recognize what expectations you have. For that, you need clarity.

What are expectations?

To see what we are influenced by, you need to know what you are dealing with. You can only counter threats if you know where they come from.

Expectations are as diverse as the range of goods in an Asian weekly market. They are part of our cognitive skills. This process ensures that you deal with what will be.

Without expectations, children would then not throw themselves screaming on the floor because they were given a knitted sweater instead of the game console they hoped for. They are assumptions.

So, the path that an expectation takes is as follows:

Situation> action> event> consequence

Psychology defines three types of expectations:

• Situation-result expectation: This is your expectation of what will happen if you do nothing to change your situation. This is more positive for optimists than for pessimists.
• Action-result expectation: This is your forecast for the success of your actions. How convinced are you when choosing a salad instead of a burger has a positive effect on your health?
• Result-consequence expectation: You also have expectations of the consequences of the results you have achieved. Do you think you’ll be happier with more money? They can come from you as well as from others.

Your expectations: A world as you like it

You have expectations of your future, of people, of your life. They give you a feeling of security. This is how you imagine how the world works and what the future could look like.

However, if the reality is entirely different, it can be uncomfortable for you.

Expectations of people

Expectations determine how we live together. You may help a friend in need of money and expect to be thanked for it. You hope to get it back soon hopefully and that it can solve its problems??

If you see him in the pub a few days later, throwing the bills around him, disappointment sets in. Your coal is gone, and your friendship is severely damaged.

“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.” ― Stephen R. Covey

But it is also possible that the next day he will thankfully fall around your neck and pay you back everything. Friendship restored, your worldview is correct again.

Most of the time, we are only prepared for the positive outcome of such stories and can hardly cope with the disappointment.

This also affects our expectations of ourselves.

Expectations of yourself

Are you going too hard with yourself? Due to high standards or excessive perfectionism, you come up against limits that you do not want to admit.

Self-created time pressure does not make it easier for you. Waiting is tough for us. We want to be successful right away, be smarter and ideally have everything at the same time.

“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” ― Lisa Kleypas

False ideas create unrealistic expectations for yourself. If we cannot replicate the results of fairytale success stories of others one by one, we will be disappointed.

If your bar is always a little too high, instead of joy and motivation, there is an only permanent disappointment. Constant dissatisfaction simply breaks you down.

I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t have dreams. I firmly believe that you have to set goals. It is essential that you are happy with the little progress and that you are prepared for failures.

If something doesn’t go as expected, you should be more relaxed about it. Learn from your mistakes and use the knowledge gained to start again and never quit. Do not try to make your life a smoothly polished utopia, but commit to ups and downs.

Therefore, become aware of your expectations of yourself. Judge if you can match them or if you’re just trying to copy someone else.

How to deal with expectations better

So what can you do individually so that you can cope better with expectations and become more relaxed?

1. Take responsibility

Do not be afraid to take responsibility, and do not bow to other people’s expectations. If you want to change something in your situation, take it into your own hands.

Stop going when you know you’re on the wrong track. There are moments when you have to take the helm yourself and act against all expectations.

Better be a captain than a passenger. Don’t make your life dependent on other people’s expectations. Keep your direction, no matter how strong the wind blows at you.

Life models are different, and that’s a good thing. If you don’t want to start a business startup and prefer to do a regular job, that’s fine. Don’t let the outside pressure bend you.

You must give yourself the time to become aware of what you want. It may take some time until you have the right answers.

2. Create clear expectations

If there is uncertainty about what is expected of whom, then chaos arises. Therefore, you should create clarity from the start. This saves you and the people in your life from disappointments.

Share your expectations with others. We often assume that everything is clear and is always in conflict with others. It’s your fault if you don’t make it clear what you expect them to do.

Overcome the inhibition of openly speaking your expectations. The longer you suppress it, the more it burdens you.

Demand clarity from others. If you notice that you cannot cope with their expectations, then you should actively ask.

Try not to meet impossible demands for peace to prevail simply. These are often so unrealistic that nobody can do them justice. Not every expectation has to be fulfilled. Other people’s dreams are not your dreams.

3. No manipulation

Your expectations also affect other people. False expectations hurt you as much as they do. So stop manipulating people just so that they meet your expectations.

As mentioned earlier, the story your expectations are based on does not have to apply to others.

You, too, can be manipulated. By chasing after false ideas that do not correspond to your nature at all, you bend and manage yourself.

4. Disappointment

If your expectations are disappointed, it won’t help you to worry about it for a long time. Learn to live with it when things don’t go your way. Do not immediately look for the mistakes in others, but also question your expectations.

You just have to learn that things in life rarely go the way you expect them to. Be prepared for the end of the story to be very different from what you expected. We often overlook the positive because we are rigidly attached to something.

Don’t waste your energy on disappointments, but try to make the best of it and maybe learn from it.

Don’t let your path be blocked. How about you? Does a mountain of expectations prevent you? Don’t make it happen.

Be aware that expectations arise from the stories in our heads and only exist there. You can choose whether to let them crush you or to change your perspective.

It is often enough if you take a different, relaxed perspective and thereby gain a clear view of your dreams and goals.

The more consciously you deal with expectations, the easier it will be for you to go your way and keep an eye on your goals.

Originally published at https://www.thebrilliance.org on May 1, 2020.